Toilet Seat Blues




	WRITE 2 THE HEART Stories that are aimed "Write 2 the Heart" June 12, 2003 Cheryl Speir, Editor, moderator@write2theheart.com ----------------------------------------------------------- Welcome to your latest issue of "Write 2 the Heart" You are receiving this newsletter because you requested a subscription or a friend generously forwarded their copy to you. To subscribe send a blank e-mail to subscribe@write2theheart.com. ------------------------------------------------------------ Home improvement projects are no laughing matter, unless you are Kathe Campbell. She meets the challenge with lots humor and good old-fashioned gumption. ------------------------------------------------------------ Toilet Seat Blues By: Kathe Campbell ------------------------------------------------------------ Old college buddies were coming to our mountain in two days. While spiffing up both bathrooms, it seemed that after umteen years both oak toilet seats were looking mighty weary. No amount of cleaning was going to heal a few cracks, which, heaven forbid, could give way leaving my enthroned darlins' mired amongst splinter wreckage in toilet water. Mercy, what an awful thought! The newspaper advertised genuine oak toilet seats on sale for the grand opening of our new super Wal-mart. At only $7.88 each, I chose two lovely looking commode toppers for my basket filled to the hilt with groceries, wild bird seed, fancy guppies, camera batteries, and a new corn broom. To my utter joy, the following morning my husband, Ken, announced he had work scheduled in town. I all but shoved him out the door so I could plunge into my project. The new oaken settees were a perfect match for my log house. I couldn't recall when I'd been so excited over the prospect of demonstrating to Ken a happy homemaker maintenance moment installed all by myself, with one left hand yet. The right one had met with an ugly accident calling for a hook. After gathering a dozen or so tools from the garage, I got down on my old arthritic knees to ascertain what size tool I would need to extricate the rusty bolts. Not even one of my carefully chosen tools fit. Back to the garage for another handful of tools, and this time I hit the jackpot. Using a whatchamacallit round-ended gadget, it only took 20 minutes to dislodge the first bolt off an endless three- inch nut. Nineteen years had set that bolt with Schwarzeneggerian strength. So, after grunting and groaning, I finally announced to the toilet, "I'll be back," while retreating to the kitchen for a cappuccino. I had the right tool, now only three more bolts to go. I had designed my big bathroom with a cute little niche for the toilet, but no matter how much light my wagon wheel light put out, I couldn't focus beneath that foreboding cold fixture. I grabbed my reading glasses and our best flashlight, stood it up on end and was happily making progress, when the phone rang. I raised myself to my knees, and to my horror discovered my prosthesis was submerged inside the porcelain receptacle helping me hang on for dear life. Oh my God, how gross! As the saying goes, the only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. Ain't it the truth. Since it was my afternoon to answer the office phone, it seemed apparent I should bring the portable phone with me. I set it up atop the tank for quick access, and when it rang once again, I lurched and fumbled. PLUNK, in it fell emitting a sorrowful brrgggggg . . . brrggggg. I dove in with my left hand, punched the orange light, answered, and with great relief, someone from the black lagoon answered back. It was all I could do to keep from laughing hysterically, as is par for the course in most of my prosthetic trials. But, I took care of business most professionally, taking notes on damp toilet paper whilst straining through drippy toilet water designer glasses. The main toilet seat was finished and it was truly a splendid sight. Sir Thomas Crapper would have been proud of me. Having conquered the tricks and journeyman skills of a specialized trade, I changed the seat in the guest bath in jig time. My entire project took two hours and twenty minutes, and all Ken had to say was, "See ya got the new seats on," to which I disdainfully replied . . . . . "I'm pooped, old man, so don't ask about dinner tonight." Have toilet seats, will travel! Kathe Campbell bigskyadj @ in-tch.com You are encouraged to write to the authors to let them know what you think of their story, just remember to remove the space before and after the @ symbol. The space is placed in the address to protect our writers from viruses and email harvesting programs. Have a comment on today's story? Send it to: moderator@write2theheart.com ---------------------------------------------------------------- Author's note: And that's the way it was just a few weeks ago. In order to appreciate Sir Thomas' invention, everyone should replace a toilet seat or ball cock at least once in their lives. That resounding successful flush gives one such a feeling of superiority and satisfaction. Be my guest at the www.2theheart.com archives, Chicken Soup For The Grandparent's Soul, Heartwarmers, Petwarmers, and my Montana Stationery at <www.outlookstationery.com> -------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------- Letters From Our Readers -------------------------------------------------------------- The Lady Was A Hero is one of the very best I have heard. We have a buff Cocker Spaniel named Maggie Mae and she is very much like The Lady. I fought my family when we got her - you know all the training and dog hair in my home and etc. But, she is absolutely the Love of My Life, right up there with my family. I don't know how my life would be without her and the love she shares all the time. Thank you Bob Shaw for sharing your wonderful story. DeLynda The story by Bob Shaw about his hero dog sure brought back some loving memories of my own little Sheltie, also named Lady. She was such a loving and gentle companion while I was growing up. She was a cherished part of my childhood, and this story stirred those memories for me. Thanks, Bob, for making my day a little brighter! ~ Pamela Jenkins --------------------------------------------------------------- Military Prayer Reminder --------------------------------------------------------------- As you read over this list of names, please take that moment to pray for these young people and their families: Chris Speir Tim Speir Alan Thaddeaus Howard Todd Holland Graham William Julie Sagel Jessie Marshal Thompson Jason Eric Hernandez Kristin Danielson Ken Prieur Please continue to pray for our country, our leaders, and our troops at this time. If you have loved ones in the military, or who are being called to go overseas, send their names (first and last or first only) to be included in our prayer reminder. --------------------------------------------------------------- Chocolate Alert! I know that got your attention! I am working on a chocolate cookbook to be given away on Write 2 the Heart's web site. This work in progress is tentatively called "Write 2 the Heart of the Chocolate Lover." Anyone who would like to join in the delicious fun, send a chocolate recipe with a brief bio to be included after each recipe. Send as many as you wish. --------------------------------------------------------------- Cheryl's Corner There must be thousands of books in this house! At least it feels that way to my poor sore body. I have been bending, lifting and moving them for days. I had determined to get rid of many of them. There is one problem; I'm a bookaholic, with no desire to be cured. Like many addicts, I like my addiction. It rates right up there with my chocolate addiction. I was cleaning a spot on the carpet where my fat cat...well you know. I had read that first you generously sprinkle baking soda on the spot, let it sit, then vacuum it up. Next you spray a mixture of water and vinegar on the same spot. This combination is supposed to neutralize the odor. I didn't have a spray bottle so decided to mix it in a bucket and dab. Everything was going fine until I moved a shelf and forgot about my bucket. Of course I knocked it over. While moving the same shelf I broke the telephone cord leading to my computer. I was off line for several hours. This really had me going, I couldn't check to see if I had won my auction on Ebay for a book I wanted. God Bless, Cheryl ----------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------- © 2003 Write 2 the Heart Nothing may be reproduced or published without the written permission of the individual author or copyright owner. All rights belong to the authors.